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- Never give yourself a haircut after three margaritas.
- You need only two tools. WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn’t move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn’t, use the tape.
- The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship are: “I apologize” and “You are right.”
- Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
- When you make a mistake, make amends immediately. It’s easier to eat crow while it’s still warm.
- The best advice that your mother ever gave you was. “Go! You might meet somebody!”
- If he/she says that you are too good for him/her—believe them.
- Learn to pick your battles; ask yourself, “Will this matter one year from now? How about one month? One week? One day?”
- Never pass up an opportunity to pee.
- If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
- Living well really is the best revenge. Being miserable because of a bad or former relationship just might mean that the other person was right about you.
- Work is good, but it’s not that important.
- And finally, Be really nice to your friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.